Employee Rules and Regulations

Dress Code It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.

Sick Days We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Personal Days Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. Toilet Use Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy! You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have to swipe in and out from the toilet doors also. Lunch Break Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast. Mails Don't read junk and forwarded mails. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, All questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

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funny definitions

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that youcan die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal:A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead

Challenge to Geometry__Puzzle

Here's a puzzling new discovery:Recently a professor in MIT has put a new theory on right-angled triangles that has challenged some accepted norms in Geometry. This theory, Prof. John Mentriffe says, will revolutionize area in mathematics that deals with calculation of motion objects in space and design of the Universe.

Top 500 World Universities (1-100)

World Rank	Institution*	Region	Regional Rank	Country	National Rank	Score on Alumni	Score on Award	Score on HiCi	Score on N&S	Score on SCI	Score on Size	Total Score
1	Harvard Univ	Americas	1	USA	1	100	100	100	100	100	72.4	100
2	Univ Cambridge	Europe	1	UK	1	99.8	93.4	53.3	56.6	70.9	66.9	73.6
3	Stanford Univ	Americas	2	USA	2	41.1	72.2	88.5	70.9	72.3	65	73.4
4	Univ California - Berkeley	Americas	3	USA	3	71.8	76	69.4	73.9	72.2	52.7	72.8
5	Massachusetts Inst Tech (MIT)	Americas	4	USA	4	74	80.6	66.7	65.8	64.3	53	70.1
6	California Inst Tech	Americas	5	USA	5	59.2	68.6	59.8	65.8	52.5	100	67.1
7	Columbia Univ	Americas	6	USA	6	79.4	60.6	56.1	54.2	69.5	45.4	62.3
8	Princeton Univ	Americas	7	USA	7	63.4	76.8	60.9	48.7	48.5	59.1	60.9
9	Univ Chicago	Americas	8	USA	8	75.6	81.9	50.3	44.7	56.4	42.2	60.1
10	Univ Oxford	Europe	2	UK	2	64.3	59.1	48.4	55.6	68.4	53.2	59.7
11	Yale Univ	Americas	9	USA	9	52.1	44.5	60.3	57.2	63.9	49.3	56.9
12	Cornell Univ	Americas	10	USA	10	46.5	52.4	55	48.8	66.3	39.8	54.6
13	Univ California - San Diego	Americas	11	USA	11	17.7	34.7	59.8	56.5	64.5	46.6	51
14	Univ California - Los Angeles	Americas	12	USA	12	27.3	32.8	56.7	50.1	75.6	34.3	50.6
15	Univ Pennsylvania	Americas	13	USA	13	35.5	35.1	56.7	42.9	71.8	39.1	50.2
16	Univ Wisconsin - Madison	Americas	14	USA	14	43	36.3	52.1	46.3	68.7	29	49.2
17	Univ Washington - Seattle	Americas	15	USA	15	28.8	32.4	53.9	47.1	73.8	27.2	48.4
18	Univ California - San Francisco	Americas	16	USA	16	0	37.6	55.6	57.9	58.8	45.2	47.8
19	Johns Hopkins Univ	Americas	17	USA	17	51.4	28.3	41.6	52.2	67.7	24.9	46.9
20	Tokyo Univ	Asia/Pac	1	Japan	1	36	14.4	38.5	52.1	86.5	34.7	46.7
21	Univ Michigan - Ann Arbor	Americas	18	USA	18	43	0	61.9	43	76.5	30.9	44.9
22	Kyoto Univ	Asia/Pac	2	Japan	2	39.7	34.1	34.2	37	72.3	31.1	43.8
23	Imperial Coll London	Europe	3	UK	3	20.8	38.1	40.8	38.2	64.6	40.3	43.7
24	Univ Toronto	Americas	19	Canada	1	28.1	19.7	39.3	38.9	76.7	41.9	43.1
25	Univ Illinois - Urbana Champaign	Americas	20	USA	19	41.6	37.4	44.4	34.1	58	26	42.8
26	Univ Coll London	Europe	4	UK	4	30.7	32.9	37.7	41.5	60.5	38.8	42.6
27	Swiss Fed Inst Tech - Zurich	Europe	5	Switzerland	1	40.2	37	35.1	41.1	43.4	52.4	41.7
28	Washington Univ - St. Louis	Americas	21	USA	20	25.1	26.6	38.5	46.5	53.9	39.9	40.7
29	New York Univ	Americas	22	USA	21	33.8	25	43	35.3	55.4	26.3	38.8
30	Rockefeller Univ	Americas	23	USA	22	22.6	59.8	28.3	44.1	24	35.9	38.2
31	Northwestern Univ	Americas	24	USA	23	21.7	19.3	44.4	33.8	57.6	36.2	37.9
32	Duke Univ	Americas	25	USA	24	20.8	0	47.1	45.3	60.8	38.9	37.7
32	Univ Minnesota - Twin Cities	Americas	25	USA	24	36	0	49.7	35.2	68.4	23.8	37.7
34	Univ California - Santa Barbara	Americas	27	USA	26	0	36	42.3	39	44.1	35.8	36.9
35	Univ Colorado - Boulder	Americas	28	USA	27	16.6	29.8	40.8	36.6	46.3	29.5	36.3
36	Univ Texas - Austin	Americas	29	USA	28	21.7	17.1	49.1	30	54.8	21.7	35.5
37	Univ British Columbia	Americas	30	Canada	2	20.8	19.3	32.4	32.5	60.4	33.9	35.4
38	Univ Texas Southwestern Med Center	Americas	31	USA	29	24.3	33.9	31.4	38.2	37.9	31	34.8
39	Pennsylvania State Univ - Univ Park	Americas	32	USA	30	14	0	45.8	37.9	59.9	24	33.4
39	Vanderbilt Univ	Americas	32	USA	30	12.5	30.2	34.2	24.5	49.2	35.6	33.4
41	Univ California - Davis	Americas	34	USA	32	0	0	46.5	34.5	64	29.8	32.9
41	Univ Utrecht	Europe	6	Netherlands	1	30.7	21.4	27.2	27.3	55.7	25.9	32.9
43	Rutgers State Univ - New Brunswick	Americas	35	USA	33	15.4	20.4	36.9	32.9	47.1	24.1	32.3
43	Univ Pittsburgh - Pittsburgh	Americas	35	USA	33	25.1	0	40.1	25.9	64.3	28.2	32.3
45	Karolinska Inst Stockholm	Europe	7	Sweden	1	30.7	27.8	33.3	19.7	47.3	25.1	32.1
46	Univ Paris 06	Europe	8	France	1	35.7	23.9	23.6	24.2	51.2	30	32
47	Univ California - Irvine	Americas	37	USA	35	0	30	32.4	28.5	48.2	31.1	31.8
47	Univ Edinburgh	Europe	9	UK	5	22.6	17.1	26.1	35.8	49.4	29.9	31.8
47	Univ Maryland - Coll Park	Americas	37	USA	35	25.9	0	40.8	33.6	54.6	25.6	31.8
50	Univ Southern California	Americas	39	USA	37	0	27.3	37.7	23.6	52.8	25.8	31.7
51	Univ Munich	Europe	10	Germany	1	37.1	21.1	15.7	30.4	51.9	30	31.4
52	Tech Univ Munich	Europe	11	Germany	2	43	24.1	24.8	20.7	46.5	29.2	31.3
53	Univ Manchester	Europe	12	UK	6	27.3	19.3	23.6	22.6	57.3	30.4	31.2
54	Carnegie Mellon Univ	Americas	40	USA	38	30.7	33.5	32.4	14.7	38.3	31.4	30.8
55	Univ North Carolina - Chapel Hill	Americas	41	USA	39	12.5	0	35.1	32.8	59.5	27.3	30.3
56	Australian Natl Univ	Asia/Pac	3	Australia	1	17.7	12.9	36.9	29	45.1	27.8	30.2
57	Univ Copenhagen	Europe	13	Denmark	1	30.7	24.7	23.6	22.8	45.7	27.7	30
57	Univ Florida	Americas	42	USA	40	15.4	0	35.1	25	65.2	25.8	30
57	Univ Zurich	Europe	13	Switzerland	2	12.5	27.3	19.2	30.3	47.2	30.6	30
60	Uppsala Univ	Europe	15	Sweden	2	25.9	32.9	11.1	28.7	49.1	21.6	29.9
61	Univ Paris 11	Europe	16	France	2	33.2	34.2	13.6	19.6	44.9	27.9	29.4
62	Osaka Univ	Asia/Pac	4	Japan	3	12.5	0	23.6	31.1	66.8	29.2	29.3
63	Ohio State Univ - Columbus	Americas	43	USA	41	17.7	0	40.8	21.5	61.2	19.5	29.2
64	Univ Bristol	Europe	17	UK	7	10.9	18.2	30.4	24.5	47.5	27.4	28.8
65	Univ Rochester	Americas	44	USA	42	33.2	9.1	27.2	25.3	43	36.1	28.6
65	Univ Sheffield	Europe	18	UK	8	23.5	14.4	23.6	29.2	46.6	27.1	28.6
67	McGill Univ	Americas	45	Canada	3	28.8	0	28.3	23.6	56.8	30	28.4
67	Moscow State Univ	Europe	19	Russia	1	51.4	34.9	0	7.5	54	31.6	28.4
69	Case Western Reserve Univ	Americas	46	USA	43	40.7	11.8	20.8	23	44.8	33.7	28.3
69	Univ Oslo	Europe	20	Norway	1	25.9	34.1	17.6	18.2	41.5	26.4	28.3
71	Univ Heidelberg	Europe	21	Germany	3	10.9	27.7	20.8	20.9	48.1	26.9	28
72	Univ Leiden	Europe	22	Netherlands	2	25.1	15.8	27.2	19.3	46.7	28.1	27.9
73	Tohoku Univ	Asia/Pac	5	Japan	4	18.8	0	19.2	26.9	65.3	29	27.8
73	Univ Arizona	Americas	47	USA	44	0	0	29.4	36.8	55.8	25.7	27.8
75	Purdue Univ - West Lafayette	Americas	48	USA	45	18.8	17.1	27.2	21.4	49.8	19.4	27.7
76	Univ Helsinki	Europe	23	Finland	1	18.8	18.2	15.7	21.4	54.5	27.5	27.4
77	Michigan State Univ	Americas	49	USA	46	12.5	0	37.7	26.6	51	18.7	26.9
78	Hebrew Univ Jerusalem	Asia/Pac	6	Israel	1	33.2	0	23.6	27.1	46.6	26.9	26.2
78	Rice Univ	Americas	50	USA	47	21.7	22.3	23.6	24.4	30.8	31	26.2
80	Boston Univ	Americas	51	USA	48	15.4	0	31.4	28.1	50.8	17.5	26.1
80	King's Coll London	Europe	24	UK	9	16.6	23.5	20.8	17.4	44.6	24.8	26.1
82	Univ Melbourne	Asia/Pac	7	Australia	2	15.4	14.4	22.2	18.7	53.5	19.9	26
83	Univ Nottingham	Europe	25	UK	10	15.4	20.4	20.8	19	45.6	24.8	25.9
84	Univ Goettingen	Europe	26	Germany	4	38.7	20.4	15.7	17.5	40.2	24.5	25.8
85	Univ Vienna	Europe	27	Austria	1	25.1	15.8	7.9	22.7	52.2	26.4	25.6
86	Brown Univ	Americas	52	USA	49	0	13.9	29.4	25.5	40.7	27.9	25.4
87	Indiana Univ - Bloomington	Americas	53	USA	50	14	18.2	24.8	21.2	42	18.2	25.2
87	Univ Basel	Europe	28	Switzerland	3	25.9	17.5	19.2	21.4	34.5	33.8	25.2
89	Texas A&M Univ - Coll Station	Americas	54	USA	51	0	0	32.4	24.4	55	20.4	25.1
90	McMaster Univ	Americas	55	Canada	4	16.6	19.3	22.2	15.9	43.5	23.9	24.9
90	Univ Freiburg	Europe	29	Germany	5	25.1	21.4	17.6	18.2	39.5	23.2	24.9
92	Univ Strasbourg 1	Europe	30	France	3	29.4	22.9	19.2	19.5	32.7	22.4	24.7
93	Ecole Normale Super Paris	Europe	31	France	4	47.8	25	13.6	18.1	27.2	23.3	24.6
93	Stockholm Univ	Europe	31	Sweden	3	29.4	30.2	15.7	14.3	35.3	18.9	24.6
93	Tokyo Inst Tech	Asia/Pac	8	Japan	5	16.6	0	22.2	22.5	50.6	31.5	24.6
93	Univ Utah	Americas	56	USA	52	0	0	30.4	31.4	45.5	24.8	24.6
97	Univ Roma - La Sapienza	Europe	33	Italy	1	16.6	15.8	11.1	21.8	54.6	15.1	24.5
98	Univ Birmingham	Europe	34	UK	11	25.1	11.2	22.2	13.4	47	24.5	24.4
99	Lund Univ	Europe	35	Sweden	4	29.4	0	24.8	19.4	50.1	18.1	24.3
100	Tufts Univ	Americas	57	USA	53	18.8	17.1	20.8	19.1	37.4	25.2	23.9
* Institutions within the same rank range are listed alphabetically

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THE COW

This is the essay on "Cow" which was (supposedly) written by some student 

in the course of completing the "Indian Civil Services Examination" :  

___________________________________________________________________________

CALCUTTA's Telegraph has got hold of an answer paper of a candidate at the

recent UPSC examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian

Cow:

"The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is 

female, he give milk,but will do so when he is got child.He is same like

God,sacred to Hindus and useful to man.But he has got four legs together.

Two are forward and two are afterwards.

"His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do?

Various ghee, butter,cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth.

Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.

"His motion is slow only because he is of asitudinious species.  Also his

other motion is much          useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in

hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding

after eating.  Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in

the inside of the mouth.  He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

"His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is 

got child.  This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons

to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great 

velocity          forwards.

"He has got tails also, but not like similar animals.  It has hairs on the

other end of the other side.  This is done to frighten away the flies which

alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch.  So the grasses head is not

crushed.  At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts

his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.

"This is the cow."

P.S.: We are informed that the candidate passed the exam.